


It Should Have Been Me

by Kitana (xxConverseHighxx)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Character Death, Cheating Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Drama & Romance, F/M, Heartbreak, Romance, Suicide Attempt, agnst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-09-09
Packaged: 2018-12-08 14:45:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11648766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxConverseHighxx/pseuds/Kitana
Summary: I couldn't loose him. He was all I had left, my everything, I love him."But Levi I lo-" He didn't let me finish before roughly throwing me to the ground.He glared at me with mixed emotions, pain, loss... hate, "Don't you get it? I don't want you near me. The sight of you sickens me! When I look at you all I see are them! You disgust me. It should have been you that died! You shouldn't have went with me that day. It should have been you." And that was it. He left me in the rain.I was officially left alone. Everything I loved taken away from me. As I started to cry my tears mixed in with the rain.





	1. One Thought

I stared at my blank sketch book trying to figure out what I should sketch. I sat against a tree that protected me from the heat and sun. Nobody would find me here and I finally have a break. Away from Hanji, as much I love her like an older sister, her obsession with Titans were a bit too much to handle at times.

Looking up I saw something I wish I hadn't. Levi and Petra walking out of the mess hall talking with each other. They were far enough away to not notice me. The way he would look at her, his gaze soft and his body relaxed. Flirty remarks and glances every now and then. My heart always shattered a bit when I saw them together.

 _'He used to look at me like that.'_ I thought quickly looking away before I got caught, _'at least he is happy with her.'_

No, I wasn't new to the survey corps and I didn't meet Levi here like Petra had. We came here together.

 _'I wasn't the outcast either.. Or maybe I was?'_ My mind began to wonder. _'I never felt like I belonged here, not since Isabel and Farlen... No I don't want to think about their deaths. But, Levi. He became distant after what had happened.'_ I shook my head while sighing.

 _'I had to mourn the death of my older brother Farlan and Isabel alone. Isabel and I immediately adopted each other as sisters once she stumbled into our home with that wounded bird.'_ I laughed quietly to myself remembering the first time I met her.

_"Can we keep her?" I asked my brother and Levi once they had sorted out those low lives, "and the bird too?"_

_"Are you serious right now?" Farlen asked._

_I nodded vigorously while holding my hands together, "please! I'm tired of being the only girl here!"_

_Levi covered his mouth to keep the chuckled that was about to escape past his lips, "she's not some pet off the street you know. You can't just tell her to live here."_

_"I'd like to live here!" Isabel exclaimed._

_Her and I looked towards each other happily before hugging, "Please!?" We asked. The boys had no other choice than but, to accept._

_"Don't worry, I'll be a great older sister!" She smiled brightly patting my head. And just like that three became four._

Now there is just one, me. Levi had left me by myself. He started a new misfit family with his squad that he created, he didn't even want to be near me anymore.

_"I don't want you in my squad." His face had shown no emotion neither did his voice._

_I was shocked. I knew he was hurting but, I was hurting too. Tears started to fill my eyes as he turned away to leave. I quickly grabbed his cloak. I couldn't loose him. He was all I had left, my everything, I love him._

_"But Levi I lo-" He didn't let me finish before roughly throwing me to the ground._

_He glared at me with mixed emotions, pain, loss... hate, "Don't you get it? I don't want you near me. The sight of you sickens me! When I look at you all I see are them! You disgust me. It should have been you that died! You shouldn't have went with me that day. It should have been you." And that was it. He left me in the rain._

I was officially left alone. Everything I loved taken away from me. As I started to cry my tears mixed in with the rain.

I can't remember much after that. It was like I was a ghost. Hanji took me in and accepted me into her squad, I trained everyday trying to prove to myself I was worth being alive... He was right though. It should have been me. Not my brother. Not Isabel. Me.

My attention returned down toward my sketchbook as I tried to shake away the dark thoughts. I didn't realize I was sketching until I finally moved my hand away.

Tears filled my eyes, "I miss you both." I whispered as I stared at the sketch I created of Farlan and Isabel. I held the drawing close as I brought my knees closer to my chest.

I glanced up through my blurry vision to see Levi hugging Petra. He gave her that rare smile I missed.

"What do you think is going to happen to us?" I asked Levi one night. Farlen and Isabel went to bed a while ago and Levi and I were outside sitting on the stairs.

"I don't know." He was a bit blunt sometimes but, always spoke the truth.

I started to ramble on about different things which of course Levi rolled his eyes at but, none the less, listened.

"Do you think we'll get out of here? Maybe get to see all of the stars? And live in a nice home? What if we didn't have to steal anymore? Oh and maybe got to start a family? But... What if we all break apart? Would you ever leave me-" I caught myself as I blushed, "I mean us?"

He wrapped his arm around my waist dragging me next to his side looking down towards my now red face even though I tried my hardest not to blush, "I can't answer those questions. You know that. I don't know what will happen but, I know this. I will never leave you. I'll take care of you and protect you. You have Farlen, Isabel, and I. You'll never be alone."

"Promise?" I asked tilting my head slightly with a smile.

He gave that rare smile, "I promise. The only time I would leave you alone would be when I'm dead."

I leaned my head against his shoulder, "I'll always be happy then. If you die I die."

I tried to blink away my tears as I teared my gaze away from him.

"It should have been me." I whimpered shutting my eyes tight, my bottom lip trembling. I got up and started to walk away still holding onto my sketch book.

Little did she know Levi's gaze fell towards her every time Petra wasn't paying attention. He had seen her cry before she got up to walk away. He knew she was looking at him every once in a while. The guilt started to get worse in his chest. No one would understand how much he missed her.

But, I didn't realize him staring. All I thought about was how I was alone. I'm a disgust, I'm nothing.. It should have been me...

-

The Survey Corps were called for a meeting deciding what to do with the boy. I stood beside Hanji since I was training to become a squad leader myself. I had suggested I'd train him but, almost everyone was leaning towards... Levi. He had more experience outside the wall and physical behavior traits with people I suppose but, I had more experience with the more dangerous psychological traits. I'm not saying Eren is a killer but, I can tell he's emotionally breaking.

"I honestly believe Alicia would be able to help Eren more." Hanji vouched for me.

"Where is Levi?" Erwin questioned with a sigh.

I saw him.. Before anyone else noticed walking into the room. His hair slightly messed up and his uniform a bit disheveled like he was... _'No..'_ My fears were answered when I saw Petra walk into the room as well and looked similar to him, _'he... He...'_ I looked away from him as fast as I could. I wasn't ready to see him like that. Not with her.

"Seriously Levi? Your late." Erwin spoke with a glare.

"Tch. Whatever." Levi spoke as he fixed his hair.

"What is she doing here? Petra leave. Now." Erwin spoke his voice harsh.

"Yes sir." She saluted before rushing out of the mess hall.

I couldn't process anything, my mind blank.

 _'I will never leave you. Your mine.'_ His words kept repeating in my head... _'It should have been me. Why wasn't it me?'_ I wondered. I was brought back to reality by Hanji gently nudging my arm.

"Levi and Alicia should work together." Mike suggested.

"No." I said it loud and clear as I looked up. Levi and I didn't look at each other once.

"Mike is right Alicia, it's our best option." Erwin explained, "Can I talk to you alone." He called.

The two of us walked out of the room before he began to speak again. Everything about this conversation made me nervous. After him continuously asking me and telling me how great it would be for all of us I shook my head no.

"I won't do it." I whispered looking down.

"Just think this through. You both need to put your feelings aside for the sake of humanity."

"Excuse me." I mumbled as I saluted and walked away. I wouldn't work with Levi.. I couldn't.


	2. Two Minds

I said I was against it. That I wouldn't do it and yet here I am beside someone who hates the thought of me being alive. The two of us standing in front of Erwin and his big ass desk.

"I'm glad the two of you had thought this over and agreed to help humanity."

 _'You forced me into this bastard don't try to guilt trip me with saving this 'humanity' bullshit.'_ I thought bitterly.

"You forced me into this bastard don't try to guilt trip me with this saving 'humanity' bullshit. Now what the hell are we suppose to do?" Levi spoke irritated.

It wasn't a shock to me, us thinking the same thing. I mean we've grown together, in the same small home and in the same sturdy bed, it's no surprise we have the same thoughts sometimes. _'If only we shared the same feelings. Would things be different between the two of us? Instead of being glared at, being looked at with love in those beautiful steel eyes... Like before...'_ My thoughts were interrupted by the screech of Erwin's chair as he stood and began to walk out of his office, Levi following, _'what had I missed?'_ I wondered cursing my thoughts as I quickly followed the two men.

It was quiet comical seeing the two walk side by side, their height drastically different but, I kept my mouth shut, deciding to listen to their conversation.

"He's confused so don't be to brash on him understood? We have him in the cells secured incase something might happen we can control the situation." Erwin stated.

I cut him off with a scoff, "you suspect you can contain him in that tiny cell when he turns into a Titan? How big do you think he's gonna get hm? It was a bad idea on your end Erwin to contain a confused and frightened boy in a cell all alone. Let me guess you have him chained as well? What are you asking for a death wish?" I rolled my eyes but, noticed just for a second Levi's lips twitch upwards, _'maybe I just imagined it.'_

I knew Erwin had heard me, choosing to ignore my sour comment as the three of us continued down some steps before making our way where they had locked up the poor boy. We all stood in front of the cell giving the boy a nod.

After Levi and Erwin had discussed a few things with the boy, now leaving. Erwin turned toward me, "are you coming cadet?"

I rolled my eyes, "no. I'd like to talk to him. Let Hanji know I won't be coming with her to dinner either." He nodded before himself and Levi who wore a deeper scowl, left.

I made my way closer standing in front of the cell, "Don't take too much thought on being in here, their just frightened idiots. You'll be out soon alright?" That comment made the boy chuckle.

"I take your different then the rest?"

"Yeah and I'm not as old." We both began to laugh at that although mine was quiet. It was hard to laugh like I use to.

"They've said I'll be working with Levi and his squad. Can't I work with you?" He questioned.

"Actually you will be," I smiled softly, "but, I'm not apart of Levi's squad. I'm apart of Hanji's but, hopefully soon I'll be able to become a squad leader myself." I spoke with a sense of pride.

"Well in that case when you become a squad leader, let me join?" He smiled back.

"Alright. You'll be my first member, okay?"

He nodded, "Okay."

I spent the rest of that day getting to him. Like I said he was scared and worried for himself and his friends. I learned about his mom and how he wants revenge on all Titans. I also learned about his little quarrels with a cadet named Jean. I left just when I was beginning to nod off into sleep.

-

"This place is pretty big for one squad, an outcast, and a Titan shifter. They definitely are giving you special treatment." I looked towards Eren, the two of us staring at our temporary home. An old training facility.

"Oi! Get your asses in here! We don't got all day." Levi yelled from the porch before making his way inside.

We both made our way inside to find Levi's squad all standing in a line.

"Before we get started on rules. Might as well introduce you brats." Levi stood off to the side leaning against a wall with his arms crossed.

My eyes met with Petra's and immediately avoided her gaze. Reminders of what her and Levi had done behind closed doors played in my mind. _'He replaced me with someone more beautiful, thoughtful, smart, the list goes on with her...'_

Levi started introducing his squad one by one, "Oluo, Eld, Gunther, and Petra."

"Tch." Oluo spoke rolling his eyes at what he considered newbies.

"Oluo copies Levi a lot. Don't take what he says to heart." Petra smiled warning Eren ahead of time.

I feel like I should hate her.. I really do but, I can't. I can't because I know she's better than me in every way and Levi deserves the best right? There was an awkward pause before I spoke up.

"Eren and I will go settle in our rooms." I looked at Eld smiling a little, "Eld can you show us where they are? Please?"

He nodded and started to lead the way before Levi stopped him, "I didn't dismiss either of you."

I looked at him with an eyebrow raised, _'he expected us to just stand there?'_ I turned towards him fully, "I didn't ask for you too. I am not under your jurisdiction and since Eren is my responsibility when not on the field he follows my orders. Eld? He's being kind unlike someone who hadn't even explained to us the layout of this housing before we arrived. Now if you would excuse us we would like to rest before dinner." I turned away from him, towards Eld and Eren before nodding to Eld to lead the way.

I left Levi standing there speechless. It's not the first time I had to put him in his place. He should know that.

_"Levi." I scolded him as I crossed my arms in front of my chest standing in front of him where he sat on the couch angrily, "did you shower today?"_

_He rolled his eyes trying to ignore my presence, "No. Do you have a problem with that?"_

_"Of course I do! Your almost an adult and you haven't showered all week Levi."_

_"So?"_

_"So? That's all you got to say? You know what? Don't shower! So what if I care about your hygiene. Stay like that for all I care but, don't be coming to me for anything 'personal.' You can take care of 'that' I'm guessing as well?" I walked away leaving him to think about what I had meant about taking care of personal things._

_He thought about it for a bit before finally realizing what I had meant about 'personal.'_

_"Fuck." His eyes widened as he jumped up and running to finally take a shower._

_I stood behind a wall laughing at his reaction. When I can't get him to do something, I pull out that card._

-

 _'I can't do that anymore.'_ I thought while setting some small nicknacks I had kept throughout the years on my nightstand.

I finished putting away my clothes a while ago and had organized the room to my liking. Now I'm just putting finishing touches on my room. I set my sketch book in the drawer to my nightstand along with pencils and set my favorite drawing I had of Levi, Isabel, and Farlen sitting at our small table in the dinning room of our apartment. Levi and Farlen were talking about our next target while Isabel tended to our family bird. I kept the picture in a wooden frame Farlen had made for me, all of our initials written on the wood.

I turned the frame around reading what he had written on the bottom for me.

My little sister, No matter what happens or if we're apart. We will always be a family. Love you dearly. Keep looking up at the stars.

Tears sprung to my eyes as I read that meaningful message.

"Love you too." I whispered, "It's different without you here. He's different."

"Alicia... Are you alright?" Eren stood in the entrance of my room.

I looked up blinking away my tears smiling, "I'm fine. Just... Getting use to everything."

"Oh.. Alright. Well I just wanted to let you know dinner is ready. I don't exactly know anyone aside from you and I don't want to eat there unless your there too." He mumbled scratching the back of his neck embarrassingly.

"Well let's get going then." I smiled at him standing up and making my way towards him before linking our arms, "shall we?"


	3. Three Emotions

We all sat at the dinning table quietly eating our meals. Everyone had there seats picked, Olou beside Gunther. Gunther sat next to Eld who was at the head of the table like Levi who had also taken the other end; both showing their superiority. Eren and I sat beside each other across from Gunther and Olou. Petra? She of course was on the left side of Levi whereas I was on his right.

"It's so quiet I swear I could hear the sound of a pin drop." Olou spoke causing Gunther and Petra to laugh.

Once the rest of the group began to talk Petra looked over towards Levi, "We should go for a ride tomorrow. What do you think?"

"We'll see. If we're not busy then I guess we could." He nodded in agreement and Petra smiled happily grabbing his free hand with hers.

I cringed looking back down at my food. _'Are they really a couple? Levi and I hadnt ridden our horses together on free days... We never got the chance too.'_ I took a bite of my soup liking how it warmed me up for just a bit before I became cold once again.

Eren and I both glanced at each other trying to figure out a plan to ditch the group... Which was undoubtedly not going to happen because of the way Levi had been watching us closely ever since we sat down. Can't he just mind his own business?

After twenty minutes everyone aside from Levi, Eren, and myself had finished eating and was now taking there plates to the kitchen to wash. I sighed looking back toward my plate, picking at my soup. One of the many habits I have is playing with my food. I thought I'd be hungrier then this. I guess I was wrong.

"You still play with your food?" Levi mumbled.

Eren tried not to ease drop on the conversation as he continued eating, _'had they grew up together? Why hadn't I payed more attention to those stories about them. This is where I need admin! But, then.. No... that would make me a creepy stalker if I knew there past without asking personally. Definitely not! Not a stalker.. but, I want to know.. No no not a stalker.. but, still.. No!'_ Eren thought, arguing with himself.

"I..." embarrassingly I glanced up at him only to look away. His eyes always made me flustered and I wish now that I hadn't, "sorry." I muttered after a moment of silence.

"It's okay. I don't mind." I saw him start to reach for my face to brush some hair behind my ear before he stopped slowly retreating back. For just a moment he forgot he left her. He left her and ran to someone else.

I glanced down towards my food leaving my hair to cover parts of my face. He use to always be annoyed when he saw my hair like this. I wonder if he still is?

_"Levi quit it. I like my hair how it is." I laughed as he once again tried to move my hair away from my face. He succeeded the fifth time once I gave up and returned to my drawing._

_"I don't like not being able to see your beautiful face." He whispered by my ear as he placed a hand on the inside of my thigh causing my face to heat up, "come with me." He muttered those words lowly, "let's go inside." He kissed the side of my neck as I began to bite my lip. Another bad habit I have._

_"Quit trying to get into my sisters pants! She's 18 for crying out loud." Farlen yelled from across the street where he was working on something with Isabelle who was trying her best to help._

_"Already did! I can tell you the full details if you'd like!" He yelled back with a smirk causing Farlen's and I eyes to widen._

_"Levi!" My brother and I both yelled where as mine was from shock and embarrassment, Farlens was down right scary, "I'm going to fucking kill you!" Farlen growled._

_"Shit." Levi mumbled before kissing me and began to run as fast as he could down the street my brother not to far behind._

_And that was the day my brother chased Levi through the streets and kicked his ass._

I laughed quietly to myself at the memory.

"What?" Eren smiled nudging me shoulder a bit.

"Ah it's nothing. Just a... a memory." I looked up at him.

"Can I know what it was about?" He asked excitedly.

"Maybe someday." I smiled softly, "how about we go outside before it gets too dark. I want to see the sunset."

"Okay." He nodded in agreement as we both began to get up and walk away not before Eren opened his mouth smiling towards his captain, "Heichou would you like to join us?"

I gave Eren a dirty look as he invited Levi to join us. _'What the hell Eren?! I'm going to fucking kick your ass if he says yes!'_ I thought angrily as I continued to glare at him.

Levi thought for a moment just about to decline the offer before nodding as jealousy took over his thoughts.

 _'Your dead Jeager.'_ I thought angrily.

"Lets go!" Eren grabbed my hand pulling me along as we dropped our plates beside Olou who was currently doing the dishes.

"Do I have to do this?" Olou complained causing us to both laugh and apologize to him.

"Sorry Olou. We all have our chores." Eren shrugged.

Then we began making our way outside to watch the sunset with Levi following behind.

"Which do you like better Lexa? Sunset or Sunrise?" Eren asked me as the three of us sat in the grassy area. I sat between the two boys using my arms to support myself up.

Before I could answer Levi beat me to it, "she loves the sunset because it reminds her that a new day will come and it makes her forget her worries. Plus she was never a morning riser."

Eren chuckled at the last thing Levi said, "I could definitely see that." He said causing me to halfheartedly glare at him, "you know a lot about Alicia, Heichou. Can I ask.. Did you both know each other before or during the corps?"

"Before." My answer was short as I continued to stare straight ahead, "it was just him, my older brother Farlen, my older sister Isabelle and I. Her and I weren't blood though. We just adopted each other as sisters." I laughed a bit while Eren smiled at me. He didn't say more about the subject, having a gut feeling it wouldn't end well.

Levi just nodded his head before lying down on his back. Strands of my hair fell in front of my face but, I hadn't mind. It made me feel... I guess you could say protected. Like my hair was trying to shield me away from pain.

"You know, you shouldn't cover your face." Eren mumbled blushing as he looked at me.

"Huh?" I was confused as I glanced up at him. No one has ever really minded before... well except for Levi. Hanji had tried to clip my hair back once. That ended with me running with her yelling and chasing me down the hallways.

He gently smiled, "You shouldn't hide your pretty face. Here let me help." He pointed out causing me to blush and Levi to growl while sitting up.

The two of us both looked towards him confused. He glared at Eren, "don't you dare touch her. The only one that gets to do that is me."

He glanced at me deciding then to brush the loose strands I had around my face behind my ear instead of letting Eren do it. He then smiled accomplished with himself.

"Levi." I whispered his name as I stared at him wide eyed with a small blush starting to form on my face.

He wanted to lean down and whisper those words he said to me that day he told Farlen what he had done to me. That day he sat with me on our steps watching me sketch in my notebook. He wanted to go back to those days where all he thought about was Alicia, Farlen, and Isabelle. He made up his mind and started to lean in before his name was being called.

"Levi." Petra said his name happily as she walked over to come join us.

He glanced once more at my lips licking his bottom one before backing away slowly as Petra settled in his lap. _'That was my fucking spot.'_ I thought a pain stung throughout my chest causing me to cringe.

"What were you doing with Alicia?" She asked confusedly.

"She had something on her face so I wiped it off for her." He shrugged causing her to smile.

"Your so thoughtful!" She giggled before pecking his lips causing him to deepen the kiss.

I stared at the two of them before I looked down with tears in my eyes as the pain in my chest had gotten worse and from the anxiety taking over I quickly put my hair back to how it was before. My hair hiding my face. _'I almost let him kiss me.'_

Eren had noticed my reactions to Levi. He was pissed at him for pulling a stunt like that. Couldn't he see what he was doing to her? He could tell there was history between the two of us and he could also tell it hadn't ended well.

"Wow! It's getting late." Eren stretched and faked yawned before getting up. He reached his hand out for me to take in which I gladly accepted, "Alicia and I are going to head to bed now. You both enjoy the sunset. Goodnight!" He waved before wrapping his arm around my shoulders just to piss Levi off before taking me inside.

_'If he won't take care of her properly then I will.' Eren thought with determination._


End file.
